5. Love Pox. If you're lucky (or unlucky given your perspective) to be snowed in with a significant other , you'll be exposed to every little quirk and oddity that gets on yo damn nerves. You'll probably find yourself saying, "that (insert expletive) makes me sick! I can't stand yo ass!" From what I've been told chicken pox are like that. You live a couple of days in isolation irritated as f*ck. However, nothing helps to boost your immunity like exposure. After a few days and maybe some scarring you'll either be a better couple with a (hopefully) stronger immunity to those quirks or you'll end up like Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner at the end of War of the Roses. Good Luck!
4. Rabbit Season. On the flipside to number 5, you just may find yourself christening unexplored rooms in your house. When else are you going to have the opportunity to have sex in that crawl space you've always thought about? Remember that sex move you saw on Smack My Ass and Call Me Master vol. 29 that you've been meaning to try out? This is the perfect time to do so while you're humping like rabbits. Just bear in mind, if you throw your back out or happen to learn the hard way (slight pun) that having sex on a garbage can top as you slide down the stairs may result in injury, the weather will impede the ambulance's ability to get to your home. Oh and speaking of rabbits...don't let all this sex come back to haunt you in 9 months because you were stuck in the house w/out birth control. While everyone else was stocking up on bread, milk, and eggs, I hope you hit up the Rite Aid as and stocked up on pills, creams, condoms, lanolin lotion, and/or all the A, C, D, and 9V batteries you can stand.
3. Grateful for good health. Ever sit at home during the day and watch TV? You'll see ads for all kinds of terrible products, drug medications, and THE injury attorney du jour. There's commercials for the Sham Towel! As soon as you get out the shower, wrap yourself in this towel and you'll be dry instantly. Good thing you stocked up on lotion (see #4) cuz the Sham Towel! will leave your body drier than your aunt Thelma's Thanksgiving turkey. Also, some of the most depressing depression commercials known to mankind are shown during the day. As if people suffering from depression don't feel bad enough, there's commercials for Happify drugs that will supposedly make you feel better. Sure while taking Happify you may experience weight gain, low libido and inability to climax (no rabbit season for you), headaches, hangover type nausea, Hoover Dam Bowel Syndrome (constipation), Lucy in the Sky w/Diamonds (vivid dreams and hallucinations), and possibly suicidal thoughts (hey, you won't be depressed any longer). Yep, even if you aren't depressed you'll feel depressed that you are in the house going stir crazy. It's how the makers of Happify stir up potential future business in the event you were feeling fine prior to this snow day.
Snow days are also epiphany money making days. Remember that shopping cart that ran over your foot 5 years ago and chipped your pinky toenail? Well you may be entitled to money from the store and the manufacturer of the carts. Oh, don't worry that you were the one pushing the cart and carelessly ran over your own foot because you was too busy staring at the cover of Washboard Ab magazine with the hot guy/girl on the cover. That wasn't your fault. The store may be liable for stocking those magazines and you may be eligible to recover damages for your injuries. Call the law firm of Analytical, Ambulance, and Chaser LLP (Local Lunacy Predators). We'll help you get the money you deserve and drive up insurance, legal, and court fees, jury duty summons, and fraudulent disability claims.
Nothing like a snow day to remind you how lucky or blessed you are to not be too sick, too hurt, too underemployed, and/or too bored to depression and frivolous spending on unnecessary products. I'm also reminded why my mother calls me throughout the day. I'd rather she call me than take Happify.
2. Waist Crusaders. You've been on a crusade against cardio way before you made your fake resolutions. What better excuse to be sedentary than a snow day? You can't go for a run and if you're childless and stick-in-the-muddish like me, you have no reason to get your heart rate up via sledding. And unless you're like my friend Dr. Homer (or Doc B as I call him) who has a Bally's Total Fitness in his basement, you can't drive to the gym and exercise. You might as well lounge around in the comfort of your home, eating all the comfort and guilt inducing foods you can swallow, without the guilt. Guilt comes with sunshine and Biggest Loser episodes (which was the night before) and you'll see neither of them today.
1. Time Appreciation. A snow day is a perfect time to clean your home from top to bottom, catch up on some school work, finish writing that brief, organize your office space, do your taxes, whatever. You have a whole day to do, "so many activities!" (Un)fortunately you've invested your time doing numbers 5 through 2. Now the day is gone, the sun will come out tomorrow and you'll feel guilty and upset that you did none of the responsible things you could have today. You'll have to do double time at the gym, you'll go back to bi-weekly sex and avoiding your partner, your cupboards will be bare so you'll have to make another trek to the store, and you'll be so damn stressed out that Happify is in your near future. Enjoy your snow day!
Bonus: WeCare, Daycare. From what I'm told child care is expensive. So much so that sometimes you ask yourself, "should child care be this expensive?!" That is until one snow day with lil Jim, Baby James, pre-teen Paul, and Tyrone. And let's not forget cutesy Caitlyn, colorful Christina, precious Penelope, and boisterous Brianna. Oh yeah! You can't wait to send their funky lil asses back to day care,or school. Your house is louder than a bomb and your walls lovingly have "Picasso was here" or "Tame One" painted on them. There's only so much Dora, Diego, and Wow-Wow Wubbzy you can take before you start having criminal thoughts. You don't want to kill your kids, and blaming their kidnapping on black men is so passé. Nah, you have to weather this storm such as it is and when you pay your child care provider or see the bus driver, I'm sure you'll give them a big ol hug and a fat tip. No Happify for you, that's what Teachers, coaches and daycare are for. Bring on the guilt and the sunshine of tommorrah! You hear that Cinque? Fweedom is calling your name!